Everyone has an identity. And it’s more than just a name. When someone asks who you are, you may start with your name. But if they keep asking, then you have to dig a little deeper.
A father. A mother. A child.
A Democrat. A Republican.
A cross-fitter. A vegan.
An American. A Brasilian. A Filipino.
A software developer. A janitor. dentist. A logger. A teacher
A gamer. A golfer. A guitarist. A photographer.
We can be many different things, have many different identities.
But a healthy identity will be holistic and hierarchical.
Healthy
First, an identity should be healthy. As a first step, that just means it should be positive. “I’m a painter” vs “I’m a thief”. Or “I’m a weightlifter” vs “I’m skinny and weak”.
Not all unhealthy identities are so obvious. Even something as simple as “I’m a daughter” can be unhealthy if you grew up with abusive or neglectful parents.
Hierarchical
A hierarchical identity is one where each aspect of our identity fits into an order that makes sense. At the highest level of the hierarchy is the identity that rules the others. It wins when there are conflicts.
It’s not always easy to know what that is without some serious introspection. On the other hand, sometimes it’s obvious. If you grew up with a strong religious background, and identified with it, then you might place your identity as a Christian, Muslim, Jew, or Buddhist at the top of your hierarchy.
If you didn’t, it may be less clear. It may be that you don’t have a hierarchy. The problem is that then you don’t have a consistent model for choosing how to live your life.
With a clear hierarchy, it becomes clear how to prioritize and balance your different identities: your responsibilities as a husband vs as a father. Or as a career woman vs as a mother.
Holistic
A holistic identity is one that gives you meaning and purpose across a variety of areas.
When your hierarchy of identities leads to health, wealth, peace of mind, strength of character, etc.
When it fulfills your spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional needs.
An identity isn’t holistic if it leaves you with gaps that have a serious impact on your health, your growth, your relationships, your peace of mind.
Identity Transitions
Obviously, identity is not static. There are clear transitions as you grow older, take on new responsibilities, and enter new stages of life.
Those transitions can be difficult. Sometimes they can be enormous and very difficult. The daughter who grew up with abusive parents will need to go through a very challenging identity transition to build a healthy identity.
Identity transitions that affect parts of your identity that are higher in the hierarchy will be more traumatic. Losing a religion, gaining a religion, losing a close loved one, making a big career change – all of these can break apart your identity hierarchy, leave it with serious gaps, and sometimes precipitate the acceptance of unhealthy identities.
On the other hand, they can also have the opposite effect: filling gaps in your identity, correcting a hierarchical misalignment, or removing negative identities.
Journaling
For both identifying your identity (see what I did there?) and managing identity transition, I highly recommend journaling.
Write about who you are, and how that determines your behavior. Write when you don’t fully understand why you did something, or what you should do. Write about the challenge of giving up aspects of your identity or developing a new one.
It will surprise you how powerful the act of writing is.